


La Douleur Exquise

by oisugas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Gay, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mild Gore, Romance, Sad, Sad Ending, Sick Character, Sickfic, Sugawara Koushi-centric, Texting, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, gay people so real, oisuga, uhh idk tags are hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:09:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29191326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oisugas/pseuds/oisugas
Summary: La Douleur Exquise (French): The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have.Unrequited love encompasses the lover who isn’t reciprocating, as well as the lover who desires. La douleur exquise gets at the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated.Or; Sugawara Koushi is hopelessly, desperately in love with Oikawa Tooru, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.
Relationships: Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. I; Realization

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first chapter fic in a while and my writing is kind of rusty so please be kind!! i know the story is a lil fucked up rn but its Getting There

It first started with a light huff here, a clear of the throat there. He thought nothing of it, not until he was reading a volleyball magazine in the gym, and a striking pain bloomed in his chest, spreading from his sternum to his ribs. It felt like someone had taken a hammer to his bones, unable to take in deep breaths, he finally coughed.

Feeling something tickle the back of his throat, he coughed harder. Rougher. A singular pink petal met the floor with a lowly wilt, covered with saliva, phlegm, and blood.

Sugawara’s limbs went weak, his hands shaking and his chest still contracting as much as ever. He swallowed heavily, scrambling to grab his water bottle. After many gulps, he finally calmed down, turning to lay on his side, figuring that would help the pain in his chest.

As soon as his shoulder hit the ground, his eyes immediately met with the magazine page, showcasing another setter, the position of his own,the reason his chest had began to sting so badly in the first place. No one other than Tooru Oikawa.

His gregarious smile lit up the rest of the page with ease, and Koushi felt his second wave of pain. He sat up, on his hands and knees, hacking up blushing petals, which each were patterned with a different line of his blood. In any other context, it would’ve been a masterpiece, and probably hung up at a museum in a modern art feature, which Sugawara always thought was otiose.

The petals, ironically, covered all of the magazines two pages, coating it with a light stain of pink, but leaving Oikawa’s face flawless, just like always. In fact, he was on display now more than ever. Koushi grumbled, balling up the magazine with his own excrements joining the paper, which was now in a trash bin, forever disregarded, and the only evidence left was inside Sugawara, which would not be substinated anytime soon.

Koushi knew he had Hanahaki Disease, or curse, in his eyes, and he was as well aware of that fact as he was aware that he would die in a matter of time. Unless Oikawa loved him back. Tough Luck. He had to fall in love with the paradox. Everyone loves Tooru, but he can’t love anyone else.

The setter was nothing if not a try hard, and the next day, he was set on snatching his kouhai’s phone during practice, in desperate hopes that he had Oikawa in his contacts.

He was caught, by almost the whole team, mind you, Kageyama warned him to not touch his stuff, but happily gave him the captain’s number, probably not thinking too much into it. For Koushi, these few digits were life or death. Literally.

He paced around for what felt like hours, contemplating on how to send the younger a message. Just a simple one? A lengthy one? He was stuck.

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

_hey its suga from karasuno kageyama gave me ur number do u wanna be friends lol_

**[This Draft Has Been Deleted]**

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

_hey, its suga!! from karasuno? i just got ur number because ur a really good setter, and was wondering if we could practice together sometime? or just... hang out? outside of school and vb? (*'ω'*)_

The second one definitely sounded more like him, and he sent it without hesitation, immediately throwing his phone down in embarrassment, forcing himself to sleep.

Oikawa, being a night owl, was still wide awake whenever he received the text. He furrowed his eyebrows, opening the message and re-reading it a few times.

**To: Unknown Number**

_hey there! sure lol i wouldn’t have a problem with practicing or hanging out w anyone, but, ah, this is a bit awkward... i’m really bad w names, and i don’t remember anyone named suga! sorry!_

A couple minutes later, after Suga had successfully screamed into his pillow, and let a couple more petals out, he moved his hand around his mattress, searching for his phone.

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

right!! sorry, my name is koushi sugawar _a. i’m a setter like you, my hair is kinda greyish blonde? i’m #2 jersey, and i didn’t really play that much... but when i did, you gave me a pretty bad stink eye!! :]_

Oikawa immediately had a face to put to the number, and saved his contact.

**To: Koushi Sugawara**

_ah, mr. refreshing!_

**From: Koushi Sugawara**

_?_

**To: Koushi Sugawara**

_to make up for my lack of name-remembrance-skill, i give everyone a nickname. that was yours. but i guess ill call u suga-chan now (๑ >◡<๑) _

Sugawara’s chest got tight again, and he wasn’t sure if it was Tooru being absolutely adorable, or just the fact that he was interacting with his crush, causing the flowers in his chest to stir. Probably both.


	2. II; Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sugawara finally gets the courage to admit to Oikawa, but things take a turn for the worse.

They spent hours texting, and Koushi spent about half of that time hacking up salmon colored petals. He feared by the time they had set up a time to hang out, he would’ve coughed his voice away.

He knew in the back of his mind that being around the setter would worsen his condition, especially in person. He really didn’t want to think about that right now. Taking an uncharacteristic swoop of selfishness, putting his feelings above his health. (Is it still selfishness if both parties concerned are yourself? He wasn’t sure.)

The wee hours of night on the phone did not spare him of exhaustion in the morning, and he drousily made himself a cup of coffee. Whenever he pulled the mug away from his mouth, he was met with several bloody petals, staring back at him. Huh. Maybe he dreamt about Oikawa.

By the time he had finished the hot drink, the bottom of the mug was better to compare to tea, petals gathered in the bottom, doing a fabulous job at mimicking a freshly steeped cup of kashmiri chai.

The rest of the day was spent pulling flowers from out under his tongue, thinking about Oikawa, or checking his phone for texts from the setter. Finally, right at noon, he texted.

**From: Tooru Oikawa**

_you still down to hang out after school today? :) i really enjoyed talking with you last night!_

Sugawara smiled widely and jumped to respond, probably a little too quickly.

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

_of course!! the cafe in between our schools, right?_

**From: Tooru Oikawa**

_yep!! see u there_

Koushi had gotten there in record time, and if you asked, he would’ve sworn time was in his favor then. The train seemed faster, his pace was just a little quicker, and minutes seemed like mere seconds.

But, he was still later than the other setter. Who had gotten there even earlier. He wasn’t late by any means, Oikawa was just there extremely earlier.

As soon as he made eye contact with the other setter, he doubled over in pain, gripping onto the hem of his shirt to bare himself through the coughs that shook his whole body. He tried to hide the petals from Oikawa, but his concerned and frantic movements around the shorter gave him a front row seat to the cerise foliage.

After he had finally got a hold on himself, Oikawa simply asked, “Hanahaki?” Koushi nodded simply, clearing his throat once more. They sat down in a lonely corner, nursing their drinks in an uncomfortable and awkward silence. No matter how much Sugawara swallowed, he couldn’t get the taste of blood out of his mouth. Nor the sickly sweet smell of cherry blossoms that resided behind his nose, which he was pretty damn convinced Oikawa could smell as well.

“You have hanahaki,” Tooru started, setting down his cup. “Who’s it for?”

Koushi froze. He figured he should tell the truth. He knew it was unrequited now, but maybe Oikawa knowing his feelings would make him feel the same. “You.” He answered simply, avoiding his gaze and swallowing a flower back down with his coffee.

“Okay.” Tooru replied, as if he had just reminded him of the date, and not confessed that he was in love with him. Sugawara frowned again, tugging on his collar and clearing his throat.

“Are you sure it’s me?” Oikawa whispered after a while, and the blond finally got the courage to look up at him, his eyes were trained to the floor, eyebrows furrowed, face forming something of a scowl.

“Y-yes...? I- I can’t explain why I know, I just do.” He offered, taking in a deep breath, feeling his lungs starting to rattle again.

“Okay.” Oikawa repeated, bringing a hand up to his face and finally turning to look at him. “No one loves me.” He argued, swallowing heavily. “And I certainly don’t love you. I hardly even know you.” He uttered, giving him a glare before turning and leaving.

Koushi stared at Tooru in utter disbelief, almost unable to move the whole time he spoke. His chest ached, but not like he was going to cough again. This time it was his heart, not his lungs. What Oikawa had just said to him had hurt him more emotionally than any flowers ever could.

The setter sulked the rest of the way home, able to fight back tears until he got to his room, he sat down on his bed, feeling his face contort in an ugly manner, he let out a shaky breath.

_Even if Oikawa had thought that... why did he have to say it out loud? He couldn’t have kept it to himself?_

Sugawara took another deep breath, feeling hot tears begin to embrace the smooth curve of his cheekbone. A noise tore him away from his thoughts, and the shrill ringtone of his phone was shown to be the perpetrator, the bright light causing a contrast between the dark room, and making the setter squint his eyes.

**Incoming Call: Tooru Oikawa**

Koushi answered with clenched teeth, gripping his phone. “What else could you _possibly_ need to say to me, Oikawa?” A bite to his words that he didn’t intend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i definitely like this chap better than the last one and think it adds to both characters! as always, pls leave a comment or kudos!


	3. III; Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa apologizes, Suga forgives too easily.

‘To apologize,’ The brunet started, taking in a deep breath, waiting for Sugawara to spit any more venom before continuing. ‘I didn’t mean any of that. I was just... shocked. I guess I was trying to make you... fall out of love with me?’ He whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose on the other line. 

Sugawara’s jaw relaxed, and he felt tears brim again. “Okay. That’s... reasonable enough. I probably would’ve done something like that too.” He wouldn’t have.“But why did you call?” 

‘Apologies over text are way too informal for my taste.’ The taller answered simply, feeling his heart rate slow down whenever he heard Koushi’s normal, soft, sweet and relaxed tone. 

“Thank you for calling and clarifying. That made me feel better. I just- You- When you have- In l- you get it...” Koushi stuttered, sighing and hanging up the phone, wiping whatever tears resided.

He cried himself to sleep that night. 

The next morning he woke up to the taste of blood in his mouth, walking to the bathroom to spit up whatever flowers had gathered in his sleep. 

On the way to school, it set in. Koushi was going to die in due time. His lungs were going to fill up with petals and he would die in pain. He would suffocate in his own love. 

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

_gm ^_^_

**From: Tooru Oikawa**

_hii, did u sleep well?_

Koushi read the message and frowned, not bothering to reply.  _He’s acting as if yesterday didn’t happen... _ The setter thought, cursing his past actions. 

"Damnit!" He shouted, a feeble mockery of how many emotions he was feeling right now. He got some weird stares, but everyone around him chalked it up to normal teenage drama. When, in actuality, they couldn't be more wrong.

His chest stung from both the constant coughing and the heartache he was going through. 

The setter didn't participate or speak much in his classes, very uncharacteristic, and in ill-fitting behavior for him. Everyone around him was giving him weird looks, which didn't really help the whole sour mood. Oh, yeah, and the slew of incoming texts from Tooru really didn't help either. 

Constant apologizing, asking what Suga wanted of him, how he could make it up. Really, the blond couldn't care less, if he actually felt bad, or was just trying to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling of guilt in his chest. 

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

i _ts ok im not mad just forget i said anything please_

Making his response short and sweet, he closed his phone and headed home for the day. He really didn't want to interact with anyone today, and  especially  Oikawa.

Almost a week of half-slept-nights lead to a cranky Koushi, and there was nothing he could do, because the cause of his cough-- what was keeping him up-- was a lost cause. An inexplicably sweet, attractive, and talented, lost cause.

**To: Tooru Oikawa**

_ok hey sorry i'm better now i'm just really tired but i promise its okay i'm really not mad_

Koushi sighed as he put his phone down, turning onto his side, slowly becoming more careful and adept to the petals. He slept heavily, lungs seemingly not having the energy to hack up any leaves, leaving him to tend to a vast amount of them first thing in the morning.

"F-" He managed to get out, before spitting up again. He let one more petal fall out before swallowing and wiping his mouth. 

He had more plans with Tooru today, and it was a weekend, so they could spend a bit longer together. He could _not_ screw this up.

Walking there proved to be a struggle, as Koushi's condition was worsening quickly, his lungs were getting more full, and more weak. He had to stop to take a breath every few minutes, and of course, to cough.

They were meeting at the same coffee shop, maybe to redo their last meeting. Yes, Koushi decided. A do-over. 

Koushi, coincidentally, got there after the captain, and they each shared a curt nod before walking up to the counter to order together.

"I'll pay,"

"I'll p-" Sugawara offered, but the taller had already beaten him to it.

After receiving their coffee, they sat in a different corner, nursing on their coffee in a comfortable silence, a pleasant parallel from last time. 

"How's school?" Oikawa asked nonchalantly, leaning forward to set his cup down. "I was going to ask about love life, but I think that's pretty off limits," The brunet admits, shrinking down in his chair.

Koushi snorts and sets his cup down as well, blinking a couple times. "School is good, nothing new," He gave a small smile, forcing a couple petals back down. 

Bad idea. The setter automatically started coughing, trying to reach for his coffee to clear his throat. Nothing would work. He waved a hand towards Oikawa, motioning for him to pat his back. 

Oikawa obliged in no time, cupping his hands and splaying them in between the blonds shoulder blades.

Koushi was not aided, and continued to gag, cough, and retch until he got an employee's attention. He held up his thumb, displaying that he would be okay eventually. 

After he finally stopped coughing, getting over his shortness of breath, he sighed, sending an apologetic look to Oikawa and a few surrounding customers, picking up whatever petals had spilled from his mouth during the coughing fit. 

"It seems we can't h-hang out without something bad happening, huh?" Koushi offered with a weak smile, sniffling. 

"Yeah, you, me, I think if we keep coming here, the next time it'll be an outside source," Oikawa spoke softly, only now having pulled his hands away from his back. 

"Maybe the ceiling will fall in on us or something," Koushi added, eyebrows furrowing at the others panicked expression. 

"Don't say that!" He squeaked meekly, looking around for... something. "Wood, wood. You knock on wood to make sure things don't happen," He muttered, mostly to himself, stopping his frantic movements when he felt a hand touch his forearm. 

"No, knock on your teeth." Tooru tilted his head. "Wood burns, teeth don't." Suga gave a sly smile, sipping his coffee yet again. 

"That's... oddly morbid of you, Refreshing-chan," He smiled and added a quiet laugh,finishing the last contents of his drink. "This was good- oh, I never asked you how yours was," He uttered the last bit apologetically, looking at the vice captain with sorrowful eyes.

"It's okay," Koushi reassured, reaching a hand out to touch his forearm again. "My drink is good, too, thanks for paying for it." He nodded, chugging the last of the contents of the now lukewarm drink.

Oikawa nodded towards the door, his way of asking if Sugawara wanted to leave. He stood up without hesitation, coughing another petal into his hand, tossing it into the trash can discreetly. "Do you want to go our separate ways, now? Or somewhere else together?" He offered, holding the door for the taller. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote almost all of this last night while high PLSSS ok whatever leave a comment or something baii

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i'll see u soon! if u enjoyed please leave a comment or a like!


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